MY BOOK ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. HERE'S WHY:

When I was exclusively publishing and selling my poetry, I had the following conversation all the time:

Reader: "Oh, wow! Your book covers are so pretty! What are they about?"

Me: "Thank you! Each of my poetry collections covers a different sub--"

Reader: "Oh... these are poetry?" puts book down and awkwardly walks away

It never fails. To this day, any time I sign up for an event, 7 out of every 10 people who walk up to my table admiring my poetry collections will realize it's poetry and put it down. I visibly see the excitement fizzle. Then, they try to exit scene stage left as casually as possible so they don't hurt my fragile poet feelings and make my next dark and twisty poem about them.

At first, it was discouraging. I found myself shrinking inward, constantly asking myself, "Is it me? Am I the problem? Is my poetry not good enough? Am I not good enough?" Totally spiraling into this wormhole of self-doubt and criticism

Then, I realized the answer was staring me right in the face, exiting stage left: my book isn't the problem, and neither are those readers who walked away.

They're simply not my readers. My audience.

And that's okay.

In my time as a poet, I've found that the trend may come and go, poetry may rise and fall in popularity, but at its core, poetry is a very niche community. The people who read it go absolutely nuts for it. They devour it, consume it, cherish it. The people who don't--they run from it. Why? No idea. I mean, I clearly don't relate, but I also don't dwell on it much.

But now, Deviant Vandals is out in the world. I was certain that I finally had written a book that everyone wanted to read.

But, guess what I still get?

Reader: "Oh, wow! This book looks so interesting! What's it about?"

Me: "Thank you! It's the first book in a mystery/thriller series about an LA Vice detective who fakes her death and chases a serial killer to small-town Missouri--"

Reader: "Is there romance?"

Me: "Yes, it's a super slow burn romance!"

Reader: "Oh, a 'super' slow burn? So when will they hook up?"

Me: "Well, it'll be a while since they're partners and they both have their own traumatic pasts to come to terms with before they can allow themselves to fall in love. And, of course, there's the whole 'chasing a serial killer' thing--"

Reader: "But, when??"

Me: "Um, the way I have it planned out now, it'll be at least book ten before they kiss--"

Reader: "Book ten?! That's too slow." puts book down and walks away

Color me aghast.

In a time where books have SKYROCKETED in popularity, I somehow finally managed to write, finish, and publish my first novel after almost 20 years of dreaming, and, somehow, it's still not good enough for some readers...

And that's okay.

I've made my peace with it. While I was genuinely surprised at first, honestly, I'm glad I have those conversations, because they teach me so much.

They teach me exactly why my books aren't for everyone.

Reason # 1

People hate genuine slow burns.

In a world where smut queens reign supreme, slow burns piss people off. Certain readers don't want the delayed gratification that a slow burn offers--they want the immediate satisfaction of a hot, steamy climax (quite literally) before the book is over.

And that's totally fine.

It's just not my book.

While I love smut as much as the next book girlie, Evelyn and Conrad have a long journey ahead--from Evelyn searching for a serial killer, to Conrad uncovering the truth about his father's murder, to Evelyn struggling with her addiction and unresolved sexual trauma, and Conrad getting over the devastating heartbreak of his first love and the earth-shattering betrayal of his last partner... they are not ready to fall in love, or into bed with each other. After everything both of them have been through, they have a lot of inner work to do.

And, of course, a serial killer to catch...

...which kinda takes precedence over sex.

And one thing I won't do (as much as I love planning and thinking about their first time together) is rush the story just to get to the sex. I just won't do it. I refuse to thwart their development for the sake of smut, no matter how many people tell me, "But the forbiddenness of secretly sleeping with your partner would be soooo hot!"

Yes, yes, it would be hot. But

grabs a rolled-up newspaper

(hit) THAT'S (hit) NOT (hit) THEIR (hit) STORY!

Reason # 2

Conrad's spiritual journey.

As the story progresses, both characters go through their own journeys. One of which: Conrad struggling with his faith in God.

I myself grew up in a Christian home and have struggled with my faith often. It is such an important topic for me, I decided to give that struggle to Conrad. And trust me--I know how much people hate religion these days, especially Christianity.

I just don't care.

Conrad has been through the wringer--the love of his life died a gruesome death in his arms when he was just seventeen years old. It altered the course of his life--and his faith. He joined the Marines and witnessed first-hand the devastation and cruelty of war, and survived weeks of torture during his time in the special forces. He battles severe depression and PTSD, and as a cop, has seen even more of the worst the world has to offer.

So, yes. He struggles with his faith--in God and in people. And as the series progresses, you'll see him work through it in real time. He'll curse God, he'll pray. Beg for salvation, for strength, for guidance. You'll also see him experience extreme empathy for everyone--for victims, coworkers, family members, friends. Something I want people to take away from Conrad's faith arc is to challenge the notion that "all Christians are heartless MAGA-humping freaks." Conrad is a caring, protective, good man, and I think the country really needs to see that reminder right now--that one's faith does not define them as a whole person.

But I know readers might see the word "Christian" and immediately DNF. And I'm okay with that...

...because they're really gonna miss out on the smut when it comes >:)

Reason # 3

Evelyn's serial killer search starts as slow as her and Conrad's love story.

It will take Evelyn 3-4 books to start gaining traction on her search for Connor Symmons, the Butcher of Los Angeles. There will be a lot of plot threads that "seem" to get abandoned or left open-ended, and a lot of readers might get frustrated that "she's supposed to be finding this guy, why is Jenna focused on vandals, or a trial, or break ins?!"

Believe it or not... they're all important to the story. Yes, Evelyn's main goal is to hunt Connor, but the reality is, she still has a day job, and she needs that job's resources to hunt him. So, in between leads, she has to solve day-to-day crimes...

...that may or may not have something to do with her hunt ;)

That's what I love about mysteries so much: how one 'unrelated' case or one little 'coincidence' can rear its ugly head three books down the line and make your jaw drop. And I've already left so many hints as to the series' biggest plot twist in books one and two, and am planting plenty more in book three!

I wonder if you'll catch any...

Reason # 4

Evelyn will be the morally gray one.

I mean, she was raised by a serial killer, so that might not come as a shock to most.

But that's what is going to make her and Conrad's partnership so interesting--while everything's fairly black and white to Conrad, Evelyn's the queen of the gray. Both their compasses point true north (which is what will make their partnership work), but where he will walk the line of the law, she'll use it as a jump rope.

She's lived on the streets, doing what she had to do to survive. She's survived, not one, but two serial killers. So when it comes to justice, she will do whatever she has to in order to obtain it--including but not limited to committing fraud to stay a cop, stealing a sex trafficker's money, and occasionally going rogue. She knows what it's like to become a victim of a broken system, and she'll refuse to stand by and let it create more without trying to prevent it.

Reason # 5

Evelyn will make mistakes and choices you will hate.

As anyone who's ever survived abuse and/or addiction knows, recovering isn't linear. This stretch of time is the longest Evelyn has ever been sober, because this time, she has a mission: to catch a killer.

With that being said, she's going to struggle. Struggle with things like hypersexuality and flashbacks and making dumb, impulsive--even dangerous--decisions because, as an addict, she's always looking for an escape, or the next 'high'. She's never never truly confronted all the demons in her past, and as she begins to finally do so, she's going to mess up along the way... she might even hurt people she cares about. She'll push people away when she should pull them close, lash out when they get too close.

Recovery (and people) are messy. Evelyn won't be an exception. Not even I know all the mistakes she'll make... but every single one will be important for her growth.

Reason # 6

Conrad's hero complex.

This guy thinks everything is his fault. It's going to get really annoying.

While it's not a pride thing, and he genuinely thinks his involvement or proximity to each event directly lead to one horrible ending or another, I'm positive some readers will get exceedingly irritated by his constant "omg, it's all my fault, I'm the worst" inner dialogue. Hell, I'm irritated by it. But Conrad taking responsibility for circumstances and outcomes he clearly had no control over is the maladaptive way he copes with his losses. His mind can't accept the horrible cruelness of life, so instead of blaming God or Fate or Chance, he blames himself, because he can punish himself. He can't punish someone or something he can't see.

Therefore, he punishes himself and us (the author and the readers) with his repetitive, annoying, ridiculous "I hurt everyone I love" complex.

Don't worry: Malisa calls him out on it like the best friend that she is in book three. She really "truth hurts" him. But in books one and two, he's a lil bit insufferable.

Reason # 7

each book get darker as the series progresses... and they will make you uncomfortable.

Note: this reason will contain mild plot spoilers (something hinted at in book one, and will be explicitly revealed in book two. Also, the generic plots of a couple of future books). If you haven't read Deviant Vandals yet, or just want to avoid all possible spoilers, please skip this section. The reason kinda explains itself.

In book one, I intentionally left some things vague. Evelyn is freshly sober, and Conrad is in a state of deep, deep paranoia. They are both shoving things down and refusing to face them, denying reality for a safer, easier-to-accept narrative that doesn't hurt as much. Everyone's out to get me. I had to sleep with a suspect for the greater good. Their recountings and narratives are unreliable and incorrect, because for them, the truth is unbearable.

For Evelyn, specifically: her undercover memories haven't fully come back yet in book one. When she is deep into a relapse, her memories don't form correctly, and the further she gets into her sobriety, the clearer they become. The more her photographic memory repairs, essentially.

So, in the process of writing book two, I came to a realization: because of Evelyn's photographic memory, I have to dig deep. I can't just suggest things. I have to vividly describe them. The emotional impact of these recovered memories is far too important to just suggest what specific memories are coming back for her. She'll be forced to face the truth of what happened to her: she was set up for assault by her own partner. Evelyn accepting that hard truth will influence, not only her search for Connor, but how she connects with Conrad. How their partnership will evolve.

Also, some of the crimes and situations in the series will be based off real-life cases or stories. For example: book two will be based off the murder of Laken Riley. As a runner, I'd been so emotionally impacted by the details when it first hit the news, I knew I wanted to write a tribute to her somehow. As I began plotting this series, I knew exactly how I wanted to do it. Another a future book, I've based the plot off CNN's exposure of the online rape academy.

So, shit will get dark. And detailed. Trigger warnings will be required. I know some of you read trigger warnings like a menu, though ;P

And, last but not least...

Reason # 8

I'm a slow writer.

A lot of readers look at an author with only one novel under their belt that just so happens to be the first in a series, and they'll walk away. They don't want to get invested in a series if it's going to go unfinished, so they want to wait until more books are out to reassure them that I'm not going to quit writing mid-series. Which, I can't say I blame them.

But y'all... it took me twenty freakin' years to finally plot, write, edit, and publish my first novel. Twenty. Years. It took a year and a half while working full time to finish Deviant Vandals, from conception to omg, my first draft is finally done, and 6-8 more months to edit, revise, rewrite, and publish it. That's over two years. The only reason I finished the first draft of book two so quickly was because I'd already had it completely plotted out before I went on medical leave for three months, which left me plenty of time to put my nose to the grindstone and get it done while I was bed/couch bound.

But unfortunately, I'm back at work, and desperately trying to write book three while book two gets edited. I'm not like all these other badass authors who are cranking out 2-3 books a year without breaking a sweat. My brain simply does not work that way. I'm working an exhausting day job, I'm a wife, a homeowner, a sister, an aunt, and a daughter. I've got a lot of stuff in my day-to-day life, and on top of that, I'm mentally ill and unmedicated, so I'm raw-dogging my depression, anxiety, ADHD, and my eating disorder recovery while also dealing with some medical things. I get burned out so quickly, and my depression sometimes makes it extremely difficult to do the things I love... like writing.

But, I promise you this: no matter what, I will NEVER give up on The Detectives of Defiance.

Evelyn and Conrad's story is too real to me, too important to leave unfinished. The fact that I've gained this much writing momentum on an original series for the first time in my life is a testament to that.

But I beg you: please give me the same patience you give to your favorite famous authors like SJM or Rebecca Yarros. I am writing almost every single day, but I get exhausted. Caught up in life. I struggle with the other daily indie-author things like making sure my website stays updated, planning filming creating and posting social media content to get the word out there, searching for and booking signing events to sell my books at, and about a million other things.

Patience, please. The payoff will be worth it, I promise you.

Now, Before you go...

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If you haven't picked up your copy of Deviant Vandals yet, you can snag yours direct from my store here. Or, from Amazon (where it's free to read if you have Kindle Unlimited) and Barnes & Noble!

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Thanks for reading. Stay in touch! <3

Writefully yours,